Rules For Drinking
#1. Don’t be an asshole.
(If you don’t know what this means, you’re probably the asshole)
#2. Pace yourself.
If you’re not sure what works for you, start with a light beer and stick with it, don’t try and match everyone else’s drinking speed (they’ll forget how much anyone had after the second drink and didn’t really care anyway), and when that warm/fuzzy don’t give a shit feeling starts to make you feel as if getting naked wherever you are seems like a wonderful idea that’s when it’s time to stop or slow down - unless you’ve walked through this landscape before and can wake up the next morning without having to call a friend to pay bail or start writing your will (which you probably already should have done).
#3. Know your surroundings.
You can do shots at a martini bar, but you should probably move to the dive down the street within the hour. Wherever there’s an open bar, expect to potentially witness or be part of the loss of at least one relationship.
#4. Drink water.
Always and continuously. And eat before you drink.
#5. Remember where you came from and save the address.
And show it to whoever you came with.
#6. Treat the bartenders respectfully and tip them well.
ALWAYS. Even if they seem rude, they’ve been dealing with motherfuckers like you trying to order a drink for 12 hours and they just took their third bump of cocaine to stay ingratiated in the industry and make it through their double shift standing for a full day and slinging drinks in an underground area with no ventilation and 57 people over fire code capacity and will have to stay until 4:30 a.m. to fully clean up and close,
so refer to rule #1 whenever you feel the need to talk back to them or under tip UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.
#7. Don’t fight.
For any reason. Even if that dude stepped in front of you and your girl and called you my little pony for some confusingly disjointed but obviously threatening to your manhood and taking-your-girl home just to pass out reason. Whatever happens will be much better if you apologize for whatever he thought was a problem and say that you didn’t mean anything with relaxed shoulders and arms and then say you were just leaving .
Remember that most men become toddlers again if younger than 30 years old after 10 pm and after 3 drinks if by themselves and wearing a tight t-shirt and fun shoes. Some remain that way until they have children themselves and/or they have family money or part of a tech-bro fraternity or IPO.
Anyway, if you fight you will need to revist rule #1, and probably have to find a new bar to frequent. That’s just a problem logistically that you don’t want to invite to yourself if you can avoid it.
#8. Other people are important.
Remember other people that are out made a decision to be there when they could have been other places or stayed home and relaxed. Always pay attention to that, and have some fucking respect.
#9. If a girl looks at you and smiles, that doesn’t mean you get to fuck her.
Although, if you play it right, she may be open to some conversation. If she makes an effort to come order a drink next to you when there are other openings in the bar, that is a good time to try to ask her something about herself, and if she turns toward you and begins to talk without sliding past you at the same time…maybe something can happen. Otherwise keep your goddamn hands to yourself. Women already have enough fears and experiences to work through for the rest of their lives without you adding to it.
#10 This should go without saying, but don’t put drugs in a woman’s drink or use alcohol to get them incoherent to sleep with them.
Once the next #MeToo movement comes around you’ll be more inclined to blare out #NotAllMen in that annoyingly and nervously righteous tone, as if all men agree with the threat you’re perceiving of lived experience that you created.
#11 Create the atmosphere you want
Drinking’s main function is to have a licensed area where it is ok to be unruly in public, but not illegal. So play it cool and have an interesting experience. This can ususally be done in the vast majority of circumstances by having a conversation with someone you’ve never met in a way that would never happen otherwise because of realized social expectations and judgement. Just don’t try to fuck someone else’s girl, unless he wants you to…then definitely don’t do it. If she’s married and wants to go home with you, give her a false name and stick to general or lightly flirtacious conversation or move onto another person or dance by yourself and order another drink while looking for a different bar.
#12 Don’t have any expectations
Nothing memorable has to happen tonight. Just allow yourself to enjoy not being at work and that you’re doing your best. If something or someone new is encountered, that’s a wonderful night.
#13 Go home before you feel like you need or have to.
#14 Don’t close the bar down unless you really have nowhere else to go or the bartender is your friend.
Or you are legitimately going toh ave this place be your neighborhod bar and your third surrogate family.
#15 Make sure drinking isn’t essential to your daily life.
#16 If you’re over 40, have other hobbies
#17 Alcohol is a poison, but so are many other things in life.
Don’t judge yourself too much for engaging in it, but make sure it’s done in moderation. We just found out about microplastics in the water, so we literally have to pick our poisons because that shit ain’t never coming out from what I can tell.
#18 Some people will only tell you the truth over drinks.
You can probably get it out of them otherwise, but it may take 5-20 years.
#19 Don’t drink and smoke.
#20 Forget all these rules, other than #1-#15, if you may have just met the love of your life or your new best friend.
It may be even better for the night not to end until the next night. There’s nothing better than a 6 a.m. breakfast at a 24/7 diner with horrible food after all night drinking and watching the sun come up and not knowing what time it actually is. That’s something you will remember and bond about for the rest of your life, so never rule it out.
That being said, there are times you make that gamble thinking this is the love of your life, and you find out she’s is absolutely insane or is really just trying to get over her ex she broke up with after 6 years two months ago.
Then again, I guess we all have are places, and the rebound is actually quite an honorable place to be. You are allowing her or him to be able to be in the world again, and to know they can be valued and wanted and interesting. That is quite amazing. They’re just not ready for all of you yet…
#21 Read these rules again if you think you were totally misunderstood last night.
#22 Never ever become the problem
#23 Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. ;)